Submit to One Another - Children and Parents (Part 1)

Ephesians 6: 1-4

Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment accompanied by a promise, namely, “that it may go well with you and that you will live a long time on the earth.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

I mentioned in my last post a few weeks ago that I had originally eased into the difficult topic of submission within marriage by telling a few husband and wife jokes, but that I had unhelpfully not recorded what jokes I told in my notes, which made it difficult to share them again, twenty years later when I came to translate those notes into a substack post. Well, in today’s post, I’ve not been so unkind to myself. When I began this message, I also started out with a joke, but this time I did record it in my notes. So here goes: a story from Calvin and Hobbes:

Calvin’s Dad is sitting at his desk at work when the phone rings. He answers, and suddenly his face becomes angry, and he shouts, “Calvin I’m busy at work! Don’t call me unless it is an emergency!” Then, in the final panel, we see Calvin and Hobbes in the kitchen on top of a ladder, holding the phone. The kitchen is about two thirds filled with water, and Calvin is saying, “This ought to qualify in about five minutes.”

Personally, I love Calvin and Hobbes, and will take pretty much any excuse to share one of them with anyone who will sit still long enough to listen. But today, I have a very good excuse: this amusing story of potential familial strife is appropriate to what we’re going to be talking about in this post, specifically the second submission relationship that Paul describes in the end of Ephesians: the submission between children and parents.

But before I get too far into that, I want to quickly review the general principle that frames this section of Ephesians. That framing is found in chapter 5, verse 21: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ[1]. There are two basic ideas that come out of this verse. First, that the submission relationship laid out in Scripture always entails specific obligations for both people involved; willing obedience from the one submitting and willing sacrifice from the one submitted to. And second, in this passage, while Paul gives us specific justifications for why we ought to submit in each of these areas of our lives, he also gives us an overarching justification for this submission: we ought to submit to one another out of reverence for the Lord.

Then Paul goes on to highlight how this idea of submission applies in three common human relationships. The first relationship, which we looked at in my last post, is the relationship between wives and husbands. Today, we come to the second relationship: children and parents.

When I originally began preparing this message, my intent was to treat both halves of this second relationship in one message, but as I started to go through what I wanted to say, it became clear that there was just too much to cover in one go. So, in the end, I took my wife’s advice (always a good idea!) and split my examination of this second submission relationship into two halves. Today, I’m going to focus on what Paul outlines in this passage as the role of children, then in my next post, I will look at the second half, Paul’s charge to parents.

So any kids who happen to be reading this post, this is for you! Any parents out there, if you want to go get your kids to read this with you, go for it. I’ll wait.

Everyone ready? Okay, let’s dive in!

The Basic Command

The basic command that Paul gives to children is pretty straightforward: obey your parents. The word he uses for obey here is hupakouo, which literally means, “to hear under.” The implication of this word is to listen attentively so that you can heed, or conform to, or be obedient to a command or a specific authority. In practice, this word is describing obedience that is automatic and as immediate as hearing. It reminds me of the response C. S. Lewis wrote for the servants in Calorman, a country featured in The Horse and His Boy. When those servants are given a command, their response is always, “To hear is to obey.”

And that is the idea that lies behind this word. Hearing and obeying are exactly the same thing; if you hear the command, you will immediately obey it, and the only thing that would keep you from obeying is if you don’t hear.

How many kids would say that describes the way they obey their parents? How many of your kids would say that? Or do your kids (like mine) play obedience games with your parental commands? You probably know what I mean, when they pretend they don’t hear what you’ve said, so either they won’t have to obey you or, at least so you’ll have to repeat what you’ve asked, giving them a little bit more time before they have to obey you. And then there is the well known gambit which I call the, “What did you say?” ploy, used when pretending not to have heard is too much of a stretch on credulity, so they go for lack of understanding instead. My kids liked to play a variation of the “What did you say” ploy, which I called the “I’m so tired!” maneuver. This is where the child gets up to obey your command pretty much immediately but they move as slowly as humanly possible in the act of obeying. And finally, there is the old favorite, the “I forgot” strategy, which is, of course, where they hear the command, claim they will do it in a minute and then ignore it and continue whatever it is that they were doing, conveniently “forgetting” to do what you’ve told them to do until you come and ask them again.

Do any of these games sound familiar? Are any of these a common occurrence in your homes, like they were in mine when my kids were growing up? Chances are you’ve seen all of these, and could likely add a few more variations to the list!

But the point is this. Paul lays out a very different standard for obedience. No games, no messing around, no resistance. Instead, to hear is to obey.

But Paul recognizes that this kind of obedience is really only half of what is required. This covers situations where the will of the parents has been made clear. When you, as a parent, tell your child to clean up their room, they know exactly what you mean, they know exactly what they’ve been asked to do and understand full well what is required of them. But what about situations in which the will of the parents is unclear? What about times when you are not with your kids or when they face circumstances that fall outside of the specific commands and prohibitions that you’ve given them?

That is why Paul extends this command in verse two, by linking it to the fifth commandment: Honor your father and mother. As I’m sure you are aware, honoring is a very different idea than obeying. The Hebrew word used in Exodus[2] is an extremely complex term; the definition is a paragraph long, because this word can be used in so many different ways! The Greek word that Paul chooses to express this idea is timao, which means, “to place value on.” In this context, this would mean valuing the will of your parents.

So how is this an extension of the command to obey? I look at it this way. As children obey, in the sense that Paul means it in verse one, they are listening attentively to their parents’ commands. At first, this listening aims simply at understanding; they want to know what you’ve asked them to do so that they can do it. But as the child grows older, they begin to be able to discern their parents’ will. They begin to understand the principles behind their parents’ commands. They start to see, to understand why you ask them to do or not to do certain things. In other words, the child begins to recognize the values that are implicit in their parents’ rules, the values that their parents are seeking to instill through their discipline and instruction. This greater understanding allows a child to submit their will to their parents’ will, allows them to obey their parents’ desires even in places where specific commands have not been given. It gives a child the ability to do what their parents would want them to do without having to be asked to do it, even in times or circumstances where they could “get away with it” because their parents are not with them. And this is because the child is beginning to internalize their parents’ values as their own.

In other words, honoring their parents, in this sense, implies that a child not only understands their parents’ will for them, but also that the child values that will enough to internalize it and make it their own. A good example of this idea from our family is the rule we used to have about candy (which I can get away with telling you about simply because all of my children are grown and don’t make a habit of reading my substack posts). When our kids were little, my wife and I were always very careful to control the amount of candy that they ate. Generally speaking, they didn’t eat very much. But we had made it clear that we always wanted to know what they were eating, and especially how much candy they consumed. So they always knew that if someone offered them candy, in any circumstance, they had to come ask our permission first before they could accept it. I wish I could pretend that they always followed through with this command, but I think they did ask permission more often than not. When they did ask, they were honoring our will. And those times that we weren’t with them, when someone offered candy, at times when they could have “gotten away with it,” they still clearly understood what we wanted them to do. And I think, by and large, they did what we wanted them to do, at least where candy was concerned (it helped that none of them had a terrible sweet-tooth when they were growing up!).

But that’s the kind of behavior Paul is talking about here: when a child understands the will of their parents, and they value that will enough to obey it, even when the threat of punishment is removed, even in situations where specific commands haven’t been given, even when the parents are not present to force the child to obey.

So, in essence, Paul is laying out two kinds of obedience, and they form a progression, two steps that kids ought to follow. They begin by simply listening attentively and obeying, willingly and immediately, without games or resistance. And, as understanding and maturity grows, they begin to honor their parents by submitting their will to their parents’ will.

I’ve had to edit the section above pretty heavily from my original notes, because when I first gave this message at the International Christian Church of Yaoundé, most of what I said in this first point was directed specifically to the children who were in the congregation that day. And I want to turn again, to address children directly here. Because, if any children have been reading this post, I suspect (as was the case for the children in my original audience) they started squirming a little bit. Because these commands seem rather harsh, don’t they? Some of the kids in the congregation that day (and likely any children who are reading this today) were probably thinking that if this is what submitting to my parents means, then I don’t really want to submit!

And I understand that feeling. I think back to my parents, how I felt about them when I was growing up, and I have to admit that I didn’t want to submit to them either! Some of you reading this have probably also recognized that there are several side issues involved in this concept that I don’t really have time or space to touch on. Like how a child balances building and maintaining their own identity while, at the same time, emulating the behavior and desires of their parents. Or how this command applies in cases of child abuse. Or probably a dozen other questions that I also don’t know the answers to!

But there is one issue that I do want to clarify a bit before we go much further, and that is this. There is a point at which each child, each of you, must take responsibility for your own values and beliefs, a time when the will of your parents becomes a guide that you may follow rather than a law that must be absolutely obeyed. That moment comes at different times for different people, but it is an important part of growing into adulthood, when you begin to decide for yourself what you believe and why you believe it. Most children don’t want to hear this, but when that time comes, they often discover that the values and beliefs that their parents are training into them as children, those values and beliefs that Paul says children ought to be honoring, those will become invaluable guideposts that will help the child find their way. That, of course, doesn’t mean they will fully adopt those values and beliefs, but they will be a starting point, a roadmap as they come to understand what they do believe.

But until that time comes, while they are under the direct authority of their parents, this command that Paul gives in chapter 6 applies to them. This is the child’s half of the submission relationship: their job is to honor and obey, to hear what their parents are asking them to do, and to accept their parents’ teaching as valid and binding on their lives. Not just giving half-hearted or grudging obedience but genuinely taking their parents’ training to heart, allowing their parents’ teaching to permeate them and fully influence they way they live their lives.

Why Should You Obey?

I think Paul recognized how difficult this command is, because he follows it up with three reasons why children should obey their parents in this way. The first is simply because obedience is right. In the same way that God has ordered the entire universe, so there is a natural order that He has ordained in the home, and that natural order places children under the authority of parents. If you think about it, this really is not a deep, spiritual precept, but rather is just practical common sense. Parents are older, and presumably wiser than their children; they’ve been around longer and understand more than their children do. And generally speaking, children have a great deal to learn about how the world works. A perfect example of this happened a few weeks before I originally prepared this message, back when our youngest girls, the twins, were four years old. Those weeks had been very busy (for a variety of reasons), and in the midst of our running around, one day we were trying to work out the logistics of making sure the twins were being cared for during a short time while Lori and I both had to be out of the house. At one point during these preparations, the oldest of the twins, Charis, came up to Lori and said, in perfect seriousness, “Mommy, we can just stay home by ourselves.” Now, I’m sure that she was trying to be helpful, and in her four-year-old mind, it made perfect sense. Mommy is having trouble finding someone to watch us, so we’ll just watch each other. What could possibly go wrong?

While that proposal made perfect sense to Charis at the time, I’m confident all of you can quickly recognize that there were some things that Lori and I understood about how the world works in such a situation that Charis did not, at the time. And because of that lack of understanding, it was only right that Charis should obey what Lori and I told her to do. That is the general idea Paul is pointing out here: it is only right that parents be in charge, and that their children obey them. That’s just how the world works!

The second reason that Paul gives for this command is that obedience is commanded by God. By tying in the fifth commandment, Paul reminds us that this submission relationship is ordained by God. This is not just a cultural quirk that happened to accidentally make it into the Bible, nor is this some random nonsense written by a bachelor who had no children himself (an accusation I have heard leveled at this particular passage of Scripture). No, this is the way God intended for children to relate to their parents: not as friends, not as equals but as subordinates in willing submission, obeying and honoring their parents’ will.

I think it is important to impress upon our children that when they disobey their parents, when they play the obedience games, or when they “get away with it” because we aren’t around to “catch them,” they are sinning. In fact, they are violating one of the ten most basic commands that God gave to humanity. This stuff is not just a good idea, it’s the Law!

Finally, Paul encourages children to obey this command because obedience brings blessing. In other words, obedience to this stuff is not just the Law, it is a good idea!

Paul says that the fifth commandment is the first one with a promise: if you honor your parents, it will go well with you and you will enjoy long life on the earth[3]. Now, this is not some magical formula; again, Paul is simply being practical. If a parent commands a young child not to touch a hot stove, how blessed will that child be if they disobey? It is a general principle that if we obey what people who are wiser than us tell us to do, things are generally going to go better for us.

My wife came up with a great illustration of this principle. When she was a child, her family was driving into Western Maryland for a winter vacation. While they were on the road, a serious snowstorm hit the area, and eventually visibility got so bad that they had to drive very slowly on the side of the road, so that they could be sure that they were staying on the road. While they were going along, suddenly they came upon a station wagon that had parked on the side of the road, right in their path. They were unable to stop and slammed into it, totally crushing the back of the wagon. What they found out later was that a child had been in the back of that wagon, and just a few moments before the crash, his parents had asked him to come up front. Because he obeyed immediately, he survived that day; if he had played the obedience game and delayed obeying, he likely would had died.

Of course, the blessing of obedience is often not as obvious as that, and there are no doubt times when this promise seems to fail. We hear stories of obedient children who die young while obstinate, rebellious children prosper. But God is faithful; He always blesses those who obey His commands, even when we can’t recognize that blessing. As Warren Wiersbe puts it, “God enriches the life of the obedient child, no matter how long he may live on the earth.”[4]

So Paul gives children three promises, three justifications that make this admittedly difficult command worth following. And these promises, these blessings are available to every child; all you have to do to gain them is honor and obey your parents.

Final Thoughts

And that is really the thought that I want to leave you with today, as we come to the end of these Musings. Children, when your parents expect obedience from you, they aren’t being unreasonable or making things up to make your life difficult. They are recognizing the natural order of the universe, an order that Scripture upholds and is ordained by God. And now, you have a choice. You can either choose to obey and honor your parents as Paul commands you to do, or you can choose not to. Because submission always implies a choice. Those in submission must submit willingly; they must choose to submit.

Just remember, however, that only those who choose to submit gain the blessings of God that Paul describes in verse three. Think about that the next time your parents ask you to clean up your room.

And parents, come back for my next post in a few weeks, when we will talk about your half of this submission relationship.

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[1] Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 1997, c1996 (electronic ed.) (Eph 5:21). Wheaton: Tyndale House.

[2] Exodus20:12

[3] See again Exodus 20:12

[4] Wiersbe, Warren. The Wiersbe Bible Commentary: New Testament. David C. Cook publishing, 2007. P. 619, electronic edition.