Well, a fascinating turn of events... suddenly finding out her parents had been lying to her the whole time.
There seems like a whole ton of backstory is missing: that would explain the conflict between the father and the elder, why they only had one child, what the hollow one does all day... as well as much of the culture of the village etc. Hopefully that is coming eventually.
It seems to me that more could have been done with clothing, and there are some grammar issues I would quibble about, but this is an interesting start.
Thanks for the comments. As for backstory, some details will be explained in very great detail later, others will not be mentioned again. I didn't want to go too much into detail about the culture (though a little bit more of that comes out in the next two chapters, admittedly not much) because she is telling the story to the others in the room from the Prologue, and that context does not allow for a lot of unnecessary details (though there can likely be some disagreement about what might be considered necessary or unnecessary...).
One question: Is the lack of clothing/physical description much of a distraction? I toyed with including more of that type of detail, but excluded it in the end, thinking that Naedira wouldn't focus on such details, particularly about herself, when telling this story. But if the lack of such details is distracting, I could go back and add some in.
Well, I am operating a bit in the dark, given that I don’t know where the story is going. And that we have different writing styles, etc etc.
That being said I would say that one rule in all fantasy writing is that you need to transport your reader to that world. (This would include Sci-fi). You don’t just have your character going to a perfectly boring high school, with everyone dressed in perfectly ordinary clothes etc, and then step outside to have him picked up in an air car. (Or, at least, if you did do that, it would be for the dramatic effect! That does sound like a cool first scene.)
So here you are transporting us a bit with the ritual (which we get into very abruptly), and some of the word choices, etc.. but we get almost nothing in the physical environment. “… in this hole lived a hobbit…”.
There are so many hovering issues that, for me, it is hard to concentrate. Being transported into the world even a bit with some food/clothing/housing issues might help.
This is one of those chapters that makes me itch to rewrite it :) I really like the story issues, but it seems simultaneously cluttered and empty :)
I'm happy for any thoughts or comments you might have, so don't apologize for not giving helpful feedback - any feedback is helpful!
To answer your questions, the first three books of the series will be from the perspective one of the characters introduced in the Prologue. The fourth will be in third person and will start in the "present" of the Prologue, if that makes sense.
As for clarifying the reasons for the animosity between the father and the Eldest, you'll get some hints in the next two chapters, and possibly a more clear explanation much later (in chapter 11 or 12, depending on some other things I haven't fully decided on yet) but I did not intend to spell that out directly, especially in the early chapters. Part of the big secret, as you said. :-)
And yes, three of the four characters in the Prologue (the three who tell their stories in the first three books, to be precise) are the "three young hearts" referenced in the prophecy. How they fulfill it, and the role of the fourth, is something that will be revealed as the story unfolds, though much of that won't be clear until the final book. By the way, you haven't seen the entire prophecy yet, either... :-)
Thanks for commenting! I do very much appreciate it!
Well, a fascinating turn of events... suddenly finding out her parents had been lying to her the whole time.
There seems like a whole ton of backstory is missing: that would explain the conflict between the father and the elder, why they only had one child, what the hollow one does all day... as well as much of the culture of the village etc. Hopefully that is coming eventually.
It seems to me that more could have been done with clothing, and there are some grammar issues I would quibble about, but this is an interesting start.
Thanks for the comments. As for backstory, some details will be explained in very great detail later, others will not be mentioned again. I didn't want to go too much into detail about the culture (though a little bit more of that comes out in the next two chapters, admittedly not much) because she is telling the story to the others in the room from the Prologue, and that context does not allow for a lot of unnecessary details (though there can likely be some disagreement about what might be considered necessary or unnecessary...).
One question: Is the lack of clothing/physical description much of a distraction? I toyed with including more of that type of detail, but excluded it in the end, thinking that Naedira wouldn't focus on such details, particularly about herself, when telling this story. But if the lack of such details is distracting, I could go back and add some in.
Well, I am operating a bit in the dark, given that I don’t know where the story is going. And that we have different writing styles, etc etc.
That being said I would say that one rule in all fantasy writing is that you need to transport your reader to that world. (This would include Sci-fi). You don’t just have your character going to a perfectly boring high school, with everyone dressed in perfectly ordinary clothes etc, and then step outside to have him picked up in an air car. (Or, at least, if you did do that, it would be for the dramatic effect! That does sound like a cool first scene.)
So here you are transporting us a bit with the ritual (which we get into very abruptly), and some of the word choices, etc.. but we get almost nothing in the physical environment. “… in this hole lived a hobbit…”.
There are so many hovering issues that, for me, it is hard to concentrate. Being transported into the world even a bit with some food/clothing/housing issues might help.
This is one of those chapters that makes me itch to rewrite it :) I really like the story issues, but it seems simultaneously cluttered and empty :)
I'm happy for any thoughts or comments you might have, so don't apologize for not giving helpful feedback - any feedback is helpful!
To answer your questions, the first three books of the series will be from the perspective one of the characters introduced in the Prologue. The fourth will be in third person and will start in the "present" of the Prologue, if that makes sense.
As for clarifying the reasons for the animosity between the father and the Eldest, you'll get some hints in the next two chapters, and possibly a more clear explanation much later (in chapter 11 or 12, depending on some other things I haven't fully decided on yet) but I did not intend to spell that out directly, especially in the early chapters. Part of the big secret, as you said. :-)
And yes, three of the four characters in the Prologue (the three who tell their stories in the first three books, to be precise) are the "three young hearts" referenced in the prophecy. How they fulfill it, and the role of the fourth, is something that will be revealed as the story unfolds, though much of that won't be clear until the final book. By the way, you haven't seen the entire prophecy yet, either... :-)
Thanks for commenting! I do very much appreciate it!