Submit to One Another - Wives and Husbands

Ephesians 5: 22 - 33

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church – he himself being the savior of the body. But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to sanctify her by cleansing her with the washing of the water by the word, so that he may present the church to himself as glorious – not having a stain or wrinkle, or any such blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own body but he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ also does the church, for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is great – but I am actually speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each one of you must also love his own wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

When I originally gave this message many years ago, I started off with a few husband and wife jokes, to lighten the mood. Unfortunately, the only thing I included in my notes was the line, “start with two or three jokes about husbands and wives.” Not very helpful coming back to this message almost twenty years later! So, for this post, you’ll have to provide your own husband and wife jokes, to help ease yourself into this, admittedly, somewhat sensitive topic!

Because, as we saw in my last post, we are at the start of Paul’s teachings to the Ephesian church about submission, which is a decidedly unpopular topic today. As we saw last time, Ephesians 5:21 is the framing idea for this section of the epistle: submit to one another out of reverence for Christ[1]. From that verse, we explored two basic ideas. First, that the submission relationships laid out in Scripture always entail specific obligations for both people involved: willing obedience from the one submitting and willing sacrifice from the one being submitted to. And second, Paul gives us the overarching justification for why we ought to submit to each other in these various areas of our lives: out of reverence for (or fear of) the Lord.

Then, for the rest of this section of the epistle, Paul begins to show us how this general idea of submitting to one another applies in three of the most common human relationships. The first relationship he tackles, in our passage for today (verses 22 – 31) is husbands and wives.

What does it mean to submit to one another within the marriage relationship?

The Elephant in the Room

Now, I think we all recognize that, of all the submission relationships that Paul outlines in this section of Ephesians, this one is probably the most problematic. I mean, I suspect that not many of you have much of a problem with the idea that children ought to submit to their parents; at least, I would bet that none of you who are parents object to that idea! And we are all probably willing to acknowledge that it is a good idea to submit to the authority of our supervisors at work.

But mention the idea of wives submitting to their husbands, and the room suddenly gets rather uncomfortable. I suspect that one of the primary reasons for this, at least in the modern Western world, is the Feminist movement. Of course, the problem existed long before Feminism was a thing, but the ideas espoused and championed by that movement have done a great deal to make this Biblical concept seem pretty close to indefensible. The reason for this is that Feminism, at least as I understand it, trumpets the idea that equality is the ultimate goal for women. Women need all the rights and privileges of men, and if a woman is not completely equal with men, then their life is not complete.

And, interestingly enough, some Feminists that I’ve heard have justified, or at least explained this philosophical stance by pointing to passages in Scripture like Ephesians 5. The male leaders of the early church, they say, were steeped in a culture that devalued women, viewing them as merely property. So, as these men framed the tenets of Christianity, they naturally enshrined the prevailing cultural perception of women into their religion.

In other words, Paul was a male chauvinist living in an almost exclusively chauvinistic society, and so when he wrote about the role of women, he naturally parroted the prevailing values and attitudes of his chauvinistic culture.

Thus, these Feminists conclude, we must reject these antiquated and culturally biased commands which serve only to subjugate and devalue women. Women must be allowed to rise above this unfair cultural double standard and seek true equality with men. The fact that the Bible calls on women to submit only proves that it is culturally biased, unfair and needs to be ignored, at least on this particular doctrinal point[2].

To me, the sad truth is that this idea has become so universally accepted in Western culture that it is beginning to invade the church as well. In the modern Western church today, we read passages like this one in Ephesians 5 reluctantly, and with some embarrassment (if we read them at all), as if Paul’s ideas really do reflect a purely cultural bias against women, and are therefore something that we are ashamed to have as part of Scripture, something that we don’t take seriously and fully intend to ignore as much as we possibly can.

The Historical Elephant

What I find interesting about this view is the actual cultural situation that existed when Paul wrote this Epistle. Of course, you have to remember that, when talking about Paul’s culture, we are really dealing with two very distinct cultures: Jewish culture and Greek culture, and it is appropriate for us to address each of these separately.

So how did the Jews view women and marriage in Paul’s day? According to William Barclay, the Jews historically had a very low view of women[3]. One version of the prayer that Jewish men said every day included a line thanking God for not having made him, “a Gentile, a slave or a woman.” In Jewish law, women had no rights at all; they were basically considered property. And, though Mosaic law theoretically placed a high value on marriage, in Paul’s day divorce had become frighteningly easy.

The relevant law is found in Deuteronomy 24:1, which says, If a man marries a woman and she does not please him because he has found something indecent in her, then he may draw up a divorce document, give it to her, and evict her from his house.

It is important to note that this law was not originally intended to address when divorce was acceptable, though by Paul’s day it was commonly used for that purpose. In context, the focus of this law was actually to forbid a man from re-marrying a woman that he had previously divorced. I would encourage you, if you are interested, to study the context of this verse more closely for yourself.

For our purposes in this post, the important phrase in this verse was, he has found something indecent in her. Some rabbis interpreted this as referring specifically and exclusively to adultery. If your wife was unfaithful, then you could divorce her. For no other reason. However, many of the rabbis in Paul’s day interpreted this phrase much more broadly. Something indecent could be walking in public without her head covered, or talking with other men in the streets. She could be considered indecent if she spoke disrespectfully of her husband’s parents in his hearing or for quarreling with him. In fact, essentially anything that the husband found displeasing about her, even something as simple as putting too much salt on his dinner, could qualify as indecency, according to most rabbis in the first century. One famous rabbi of this time period even interpreted the phrase she does not please him as meaning that a man could divorce his wife if he met another woman who he found more attractive!

On the other side of things, a woman could divorce her husband for only two reasons: if he became a leper or if he became apostate, (in other words, if he rejected Judaism). So, as Barclay puts it, “Broadly speaking, a husband, under Jewish law, could divorce his wife for any cause; a wife could divorce her husband for no cause.”[4]

And the process of getting a divorce was frighteningly easy. A husband had to hand his wife a bill of divorcement, which was a paper written by a rabbi with basically one sentence, declaring her divorced and thus free to marry someone else. If he handed her this bill in the presence of two witnesses (male witnesses, of course), them they were legally divorced.

Once divorced, according to Mosaic law, a woman was free to remarry without being accused of adultery. But practically speaking, unless she was very beautiful or very rich, this often didn’t happen. She was no longer a virgin so most men wouldn’t want to marry her. And unless she found a new husband, she was forced to go back and beg for a place in her father’s house again, a place that she wasn’t guaranteed to get back, since many fathers didn’t want the responsibility of caring for adult daughters, especially ones that had been disgraced by divorce. If her father wouldn’t take her back, she would be left destitute, with nowhere to go and no way to support herself.

Because of this danger, and because divorce was so easy, some Jewish girls in the first century would simply refuse to get married in the first place. The option of staying single seemed to them safer.

Life for Gentile women was no better. According to Demosthenese, a typical Greek man[5] had three types of women in his life. First, he had prostitutes, who existed for pure pleasure. Next, he had concubines, who provided him with companionship in daily living. And finally, he had a wife, whose job it was to provide him with legitimate heirs and to govern his household affairs.

The wives of Greece lived completely secluded lives. They were rarely seen in public, and even those times when they were allowed out in public they were not permitted to go out alone. They lived in their own, separate apartments within their homes, and no one but their husband was allowed to enter these rooms. They were allowed to play no part in public life, to the extent that they were only very rarely even allowed to eat dinner with their husbands. Greek men had no expectation of a relationship with their wives. As Barclay put it, “The Greek expected his wife to run his home, to care for his legitimate children, but he found his pleasure and companionship elsewhere.”[6]

Join this to the fact that there were no regulations whatsoever on divorce in the Greek world. A woman could be divorced for any reason at all, and the process of getting a divorce simply involved the husband declaring that they were now divorced and throwing her out of his house. The only protection Greek women had was the fact that, if he divorced his wife, the husband would have to return her dowry.

Though Greek culture largely held sway throughout the Roman world of the first century, in Rome itself things for women were actually even worse. Prostitution, infidelity and divorce were the norm for Romans in Paul’s day. There is a famous letter[7] written by a Roman husband to his wife, giving her instructions about various things that he wanted her to take care of at home while he was away on business. At one point in the letter, he tells her what he wants her to do if she should become pregnant while he is gone. There is no indication that he would consider there to be anything unusual about a wife getting pregnant while her husband is away, and he casually explains what she should do with the resulting child, if this should happen.

In Rome at this time, there were records of women marrying eight or ten times; one woman was married eight times in the space of five years! The historian Jerome claims that one woman was married to her twenty-third husband, and she was his twenty-first wife!

The practice of divorce was so common that it became a joke among the people of Rome. The famous Roman philosopher and satirist Seneca said that, instead of telling the years by the name of the proconsul (as was the typical Roman practice), women told the years by the name of their current husband. He was also quoted as saying, “Women are married to be divorced, and divorced to be married.”[8]

So overall, this was the accepted cultural view of women and marriage in Paul’s day. Women were valued only as objects to give pleasure to men, objects that could be used and discarded at will. And marriage, as an institution, was in serious trouble!

Paul was a Lousy Misogynist

It was against this cultural backdrop that Paul wrote Ephesians. Which, in my view, makes the charge that he was simply perpetuating his culture’s prejudice against women seem rather silly. He was not, as Barclay says, “stating the view that every man held. He was calling men and women to a new purity and a new fellowship in the marriage life.”[9]

What is this new call that Paul gave for marriage? He lays it out for us in the verses of this passage, Ephesians 5: 22 – 31, which can very basically be summarized as wives, submit to your husbands and husbands, love your wives.

Let me address, first, the role of women, since that is where Paul starts. He says that a woman should submit to their husband as to the Lord. First, notice that this is not a global statement. Paul is not saying that women are less than men, or that all women must submit to all men in every aspect of life. This is a very specific command for a very specific relationship: wives, submit to your husbands.

Second, notice the example of submission that Paul gives. Wives should submit as to the Lord. Think for a minute about what that means. As Christians, we submit every part of our lives to Christ. We give Him power over our will. We give Him permission to guide our thoughts and actions. We give Him first priority in our devotion. We dedicate our lives to His service. In a very real way, we loose ourselves in our submission to Him.

Wives should submit to their husbands in just the same way. All the submission Christians owe to Christ, wives owe to their husbands. You must allow his will to guide your actions. You must make his needs and desires your first priority. You must give up your rights in submission to him. In a very real sense, you must treat your husband as the symbol of Christ in your life.

That a rather daunting command, isn’t it? When I originally gave this message at the International Church of Yaoundé, I could see the women in the congregation getting noticeably uncomfortable here, possibly because there isn’t a lot of grey area in this command! Though most of the commentators I read were eager to point out that this submission only went so far as the husband’s commands did not violate God’s commands, a qualification I would certainly not disagree with, still that’s a pretty tiny caveat. Unless he asks you to sin, you’ve got to willingly obey him.

Because remember, that is what is always required of this side of the submission relationships that Paul is outlining here: the one submitting must willingly choose to obey. I suspect that is probably what bothers most modern people, especially Feminists, when they read this passage. It feels, to our modern ears, far too much like Paul is commanding women to willingly agree to become slaves to their husbands.

And if Paul ended his teaching here, with verse 24, I would be forced to agree with the charge that he is simply parroting the pervasive misogynistic cultural views of his time. But of course, he doesn’t stop there; he continues, starting in verse 25, to address husbands.

I’ve often thought it rather unfortunate that Paul decided to address wives first. It might have made this passage easier to swallow, at least for us today, if he’d dealt with the husbands first. Because, while wives are called to submit to their husband as to the Lord, husbands are commanded to love [their] wives just as Christ loved the church. Obviously this is not romantic love that Paul is aiming at here. We’re not talking about a hug and a kiss when you get home from work, or a cute card on your anniversary. The word Paul uses for love in this verse is agape, the word in Greek that Biblical authors use to describe God’s amazing, undeserved and unconditional love for us. This is the love that sent Jesus to the cross, love that spared nothing for the sake of the one loved. Love that required nothing in return, love that is completely selfless, love that is fully committed to drawing the loved one closer to perfection and union with Christ, who is the head of you both.

Personally, unless you stop reading at verse 24, I don’t understand how anyone can read this passage and come away thinking that Paul had something against women. If he was a misogynist, as many modern Feminists claim, then he was really, really bad at it! I mean, think about it! Husbands, our wives are commanded to submit to us as if we were Christ in our home. We husbands are commanded to live up to that role! We are commanded to be Christ for her, to love her with the same love with which Christ loves the church!

Warren Wiersbe suggests three descriptions for this kind of love.[10] First, it is sacrificial. Just think of all that Jesus gave up out of love for us. As verse 25 says, He gave Himself up for us, His church. That is the kind of love we husbands must have for our wives: love that is willing to sacrifice anything for her good. Second, this kind of love is sanctifying. When God sanctifies the church, He sets them apart from the world, and that is what marriage does as well. When you chose to marry her, you set her apart from all other women as the one you would spend your life with, just as she chose you for the same thing. But it also means setting her apart for the sake of Christ. Your love and care for your wife ought to have, as its ultimate goal, moving her closer to Jesus, that she might one day be holy, a radiant church without blemish.

This, of course, implies that you will regularly be spending time doing things like studying the Word and praying with your wife. But I feel compelled to mention that it can also mean disciplining her as well. Not that I’m suggesting you should turn her over your knee and give her a good spanking for burning the muffins! But when she falls into sin, as she will occasionally do, part of loving her like Christ means being willing to correct her.

I don’t know about you other guys out there who might be reading this, but I don’t like that idea at all. The thought of confronting my wife’s sin and disciplining her for it makes me very uncomfortable. I’m willing to bet I’m not alone in that ! But the fact is, Scripture clearly tells us that God disciplines those He loves, and Christ purifies His church to make them holy. I would suggest that if we are unwilling to do the same for our wives, it is likely because we are more concerned with our own comfort than about her sanctification. We would rather keep our lives from conflict, would rather make ourselves comfortable, than make her holy. And that is not the kind of love that Christ shows His church.

Final Thoughts

You may be thinking that I’ve already said enough, or perhaps far too much, for one post today. That’s probably true, but I’m going to push my luck just a little bit further, because I want to share two more thoughts in closing this post.

Remember I mentioned last time that, in this passage at least, Paul always gives us a reason why we ought to obey these commands. And in this section on marriage, he actually gives us two reasons. The first is Wiersbe’s third description[11] of the kind of love husbands should show their wives. This kind of love is satisfying. Paul says that anyone who cares for his wife in really caring for himself, and if you think about that for a second, it makes perfect sense. As we husbands seek to truly love our wives as Christ loved the church, we enable her to more easily and willingly obey her part of this submission relationship: to submit to us as to the Lord. And as we both are able to submit to each other within this kind of relationship, harmony and joy must necessarily result. To me, that’s a pretty powerful motivation!

Secondly, remember that Paul emphasizes that marriage is to be an image of Christ’s relationship to the church. Our relationship as husbands and wives ought to be a mirror of how Jesus relates to the church. When someone looks into our homes, they ought to see Jesus loving His people, as well as seeing His people, the church, willingly submitting to Him.

This is an amazingly difficult set of commands, but just think about what that kind of home would be like! A home where Christ’s love was consistently displayed by the husband, so that his wife could fully trust that all of her needs would be anticipated and, as far as humanly possible, fulfilled, where she is encouraged to grow and mature into the person that God intended her to be. And a home where the wife spent all of her energy supporting and encouraging the work of her husband, where she trusted his love and care for her so completely that she is happy to spend her energy however he directs her.

What a blessing such a home would be, to anyone who lived there or anyone who came into contact with it!

This is a terribly difficult command, one that my wife and I have struggled with for a long time. But we will continue to struggle with it. Because I want that for my home!

My prayer, as we come to the end of these Musings today, is that we could catch a vision for this kind of love in our own marriages. That we would not be satisfied with anything less than a marriage that is an image of the love that is shared between Jesus and His church!

Lord, I pray that You would teach us, and make us willing to be taught, how to submit to each other, out of reverence for You, in our marriages!

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[1] Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 1997, c1996 (electronic ed.) (Eph 5:21). Wheaton: Tyndale House.

[2] I feel the need to point out that I am not trying to put words into the mouths of any Feminists who might be reading this today. I am simply explaining my understanding of how the Feminist movement interprets passages of Scripture such as the one we are examining in this post. If you feel I have misconstrued Feminist philosophy, I would welcome hearing from you in the comment section. Please tell me where you think I’ve gone wrong, so we can have a conversation about this!

[3] Barclay, William. “The Precious Bond - Ephesians 5:22-33.” Read & Study the Bible Online - Bible Portal, https://bibleportal.com/commentary/section/william-barclay/the-precious-bond-ephesians-522-33-8305

[4] Ibid.

[5] I realize that I am conflating “Greek men” with all Gentile men here. However, Greek culture was so widespread and fully accepted throughout the Roman world of the first century, that what was true for Greek culture was largely true for all Gentiles at that time, though of course some exceptions certainly existed, as we will see shortly.

[6] Barclay, William. “The Precious Bond - Ephesians 5:22-33.” Read & Study the Bible Online - Bible Portal, https://bibleportal.com/commentary/section/william-barclay/the-precious-bond-ephesians-522-33-8305

[7] “If it is a girl…”: A Letter about Child Exposure”. sententiaeantiquae.com. 15 July, 2018. https://sententiaeantiquae.com/2018/07/15/if-it-is-a-girl-a-letter-about-child-exposure. Accessed 29 Jan, 2025.

[8] As quoted by Barclay, William. “The Precious Bond - Ephesians 5:22-33.” Read & Study the Bible Online - Bible Portal, https://bibleportal.com/commentary/section/william-barclay/the-precious-bond-ephesians-522-33-8305

[9] Barclay, William. “The Precious Bond - Ephesians 5:22-33.” Read & Study the Bible Online - Bible Portal, https://bibleportal.com/commentary/section/william-barclay/the-precious-bond-ephesians-522-33-8305

[10] Wiersbe, Warren. The Wiersbe Bible Commentary: New Testament. David C. Cook publishing, 2007. P. 617-618, electronic edition.

[11] Ibid