1) There are a lot of references that are a bit obscure, that could use more explanation in the text. Stuff that the character might know, but I don't.
2) I find the whole 'tradition' conversation very weak. I'm trying to imagine anyone actually having that conversation and using the word 'tradition' so many times with so little background. Usually, and I'm thinking Jewish now, they would tie the word 'tradition' to something it is supposed to do. Like "Our tradition teaches us to wipe our mouths from right to left in order to show that Moses was more important than Aaron'. I have a hard time imagining them just repeating 'tradition' ad nasueum without relating it to some deeper philosophical comment.
Not totally sure what you mean about "tradition," but I'll re-read the chapter with that in mind and see if something pops out at me.
What references do you find obscure? There will be some of those that are "world-building" type comments, because I don't find it terribly realistic to have characters just dump a bunch of world-building exposition, as if they know they're in a novel being read by people from another world. I try to drop hints more naturally that, over time, add up to a clearer picture of the world. Does that make any obscurity you noticed seem more reasonable?
Exo 12:26 And it shall come to pass, when your children shall say unto you, What mean ye by this service?
Exo 12:27 That ye shall say, It is the sacrifice of the LORD'S passover, who passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Egypt, when he smote the Egyptians, and delivered our houses. And the people bowed the head and worshipped.
>>“Remember what we told you, Naedira. Tradition forbids you to speak of any of these things, with anyone. It would not do for some Unnamed to hear details about the ceremony before they are ready. And each family has their own slight variation on the Ritual, so sharing details with another Named would only sow confusion and possibly discord.” He gazed intently into my eyes and continued, “It is very important that you uphold this tradition, Naedira. You understand, don’t you?”
Tradition, ritual, tradition, would not do... there is no back reference here to what stands behind the tradition. Nothing of, "The Sky Angels might be upset if we spent to long gazing into the chalice of desire..."
A Jew might say, "We have a tradition of planting a tree on the first day of every year'. But they would THEN say, "For us it represents hope. With that tree we remember that life is not a year long. We see the trees that we have planted the years before and..."
Wait until the next chapter. This conversation is setting something up that can't be made explicit yet. And (to answer your "I would imagine her saying" comment below) she recognizes that he's hiding something from him, but chooses to act the dutiful daughter and not call him out on it (mostly because they're in a crowded room), so she just accepts his evasion without comment, though him not fully answering her questions makes her feel like the final death of her childhood. This reaction is described right after her father says this.
I am not asking for answer in the comments, I am pointing out what I see as a problem in the story. I disagree about the wedding issue, but my point is that it wasn't obvious, and she didn't comment on it. You could have said, "My unnamed friends, no doubt eager for..." and you could have said, "His answer was obviously nonsense, but I didn't want to call him out in this public place."
And my underlying comment still stands: that is not the way people talk about traditions. Given I am not allowed to know what the issue is, then I can't help you as much as I would like, but it grates like fingernails on a chalkboard NOT because of the mystery, but because the conversation is so incredibly stilted. Has she not been hearing the explanations, the story behind, since she was little? Are there no nouns that can be used here?
And from a character standpoint I would imagine her saying, "No, I don't understand! You didn't say anything. We put the red cup on the right of the blue cup because that's what we do? What kind of answer is that??"
>>The rest of my Naming Day is rather a blur in my memory. There was a rush of hugs and congratulations from my friends, especially those who had not yet been Named, and general well-wishes from many other villagers.
Now let me change that to a context that we are familiar with:
>>The rest of my Wedding Day is rather a blur in my memory. There was a rush of hugs and congratulations from my friends, especially those who had not yet been married, and general well-wishes from many other villagers.
Ok, if I read that I would be going, wait, what? What is going on in this culture that it is those who aren't yet married who are the most congratulatory? That seems backwards.
I would begin to suspect that there was something odd about marriage in this culture. Some gnostic things you only found out the week after the honeymoon.
And I would wonder why she didn't find it odd! Why isn't it her married friends who were coming and being congratulatory?! I would expect her to be confused, and even worried about that.
UNLESS... she expected it. Thus, "As was only proper. Married women were required to be calm and submissive... thus they were always subdued in their congratulations. But I knew they rejoiced with me every bit as much as my unmarried friends...who were probably jealous."
It is her Unnamed friends who are most excited because they are wanting what she now has. The Named friends are used to being Named, so it's less of a big deal for them. Just as at weddings, the single women (generally, though some men as well) are often the most excited for the bride, because they're anticipating their wedding day. But in the book, the anticipation is greater, because Naming is inevitable, unless they die first, whereas getting married is not.
>>It came for me many times in the months and years following my Naming Day, always the same but somehow always different
This is always an interesting POV question. When using first person POV when is it helpful to give us a summary of years into the future? Does it break us out of the story? Does it lower tension?
Because, if this is going to 'come to her' many times in the next few years... she will be alive the next few years. All tension of her dying in two days is now gone. Even two years. She is now untouchable as far as the story is concerned.
I don't tend to like this in general, so take it with a grain of salt... but it seems really overdone here. In this paragraph and the ones following it seems like it happens a dozen times, "I don't know how I knew, I instinctively had the sense, yada yada". As I say, I don't like that technique at all, but it seems really overdone here.
A couple of quick comments, hopefully more later:
1) There are a lot of references that are a bit obscure, that could use more explanation in the text. Stuff that the character might know, but I don't.
2) I find the whole 'tradition' conversation very weak. I'm trying to imagine anyone actually having that conversation and using the word 'tradition' so many times with so little background. Usually, and I'm thinking Jewish now, they would tie the word 'tradition' to something it is supposed to do. Like "Our tradition teaches us to wipe our mouths from right to left in order to show that Moses was more important than Aaron'. I have a hard time imagining them just repeating 'tradition' ad nasueum without relating it to some deeper philosophical comment.
Not totally sure what you mean about "tradition," but I'll re-read the chapter with that in mind and see if something pops out at me.
What references do you find obscure? There will be some of those that are "world-building" type comments, because I don't find it terribly realistic to have characters just dump a bunch of world-building exposition, as if they know they're in a novel being read by people from another world. I try to drop hints more naturally that, over time, add up to a clearer picture of the world. Does that make any obscurity you noticed seem more reasonable?
Exo 12:26 And it shall come to pass, when your children shall say unto you, What mean ye by this service?
Exo 12:27 That ye shall say, It is the sacrifice of the LORD'S passover, who passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Egypt, when he smote the Egyptians, and delivered our houses. And the people bowed the head and worshipped.
>>“Remember what we told you, Naedira. Tradition forbids you to speak of any of these things, with anyone. It would not do for some Unnamed to hear details about the ceremony before they are ready. And each family has their own slight variation on the Ritual, so sharing details with another Named would only sow confusion and possibly discord.” He gazed intently into my eyes and continued, “It is very important that you uphold this tradition, Naedira. You understand, don’t you?”
Tradition, ritual, tradition, would not do... there is no back reference here to what stands behind the tradition. Nothing of, "The Sky Angels might be upset if we spent to long gazing into the chalice of desire..."
A Jew might say, "We have a tradition of planting a tree on the first day of every year'. But they would THEN say, "For us it represents hope. With that tree we remember that life is not a year long. We see the trees that we have planted the years before and..."
Wait until the next chapter. This conversation is setting something up that can't be made explicit yet. And (to answer your "I would imagine her saying" comment below) she recognizes that he's hiding something from him, but chooses to act the dutiful daughter and not call him out on it (mostly because they're in a crowded room), so she just accepts his evasion without comment, though him not fully answering her questions makes her feel like the final death of her childhood. This reaction is described right after her father says this.
I will answer both of your recent comments here:
I am not asking for answer in the comments, I am pointing out what I see as a problem in the story. I disagree about the wedding issue, but my point is that it wasn't obvious, and she didn't comment on it. You could have said, "My unnamed friends, no doubt eager for..." and you could have said, "His answer was obviously nonsense, but I didn't want to call him out in this public place."
And my underlying comment still stands: that is not the way people talk about traditions. Given I am not allowed to know what the issue is, then I can't help you as much as I would like, but it grates like fingernails on a chalkboard NOT because of the mystery, but because the conversation is so incredibly stilted. Has she not been hearing the explanations, the story behind, since she was little? Are there no nouns that can be used here?
And from a character standpoint I would imagine her saying, "No, I don't understand! You didn't say anything. We put the red cup on the right of the blue cup because that's what we do? What kind of answer is that??"
Let me give an example:
>>The rest of my Naming Day is rather a blur in my memory. There was a rush of hugs and congratulations from my friends, especially those who had not yet been Named, and general well-wishes from many other villagers.
Now let me change that to a context that we are familiar with:
>>The rest of my Wedding Day is rather a blur in my memory. There was a rush of hugs and congratulations from my friends, especially those who had not yet been married, and general well-wishes from many other villagers.
Ok, if I read that I would be going, wait, what? What is going on in this culture that it is those who aren't yet married who are the most congratulatory? That seems backwards.
I would begin to suspect that there was something odd about marriage in this culture. Some gnostic things you only found out the week after the honeymoon.
And I would wonder why she didn't find it odd! Why isn't it her married friends who were coming and being congratulatory?! I would expect her to be confused, and even worried about that.
UNLESS... she expected it. Thus, "As was only proper. Married women were required to be calm and submissive... thus they were always subdued in their congratulations. But I knew they rejoiced with me every bit as much as my unmarried friends...who were probably jealous."
It is her Unnamed friends who are most excited because they are wanting what she now has. The Named friends are used to being Named, so it's less of a big deal for them. Just as at weddings, the single women (generally, though some men as well) are often the most excited for the bride, because they're anticipating their wedding day. But in the book, the anticipation is greater, because Naming is inevitable, unless they die first, whereas getting married is not.
Oh, and if it is obvious, it didn't need saying. Chekov's gun.
See my comment above.
>>It came for me many times in the months and years following my Naming Day, always the same but somehow always different
This is always an interesting POV question. When using first person POV when is it helpful to give us a summary of years into the future? Does it break us out of the story? Does it lower tension?
Because, if this is going to 'come to her' many times in the next few years... she will be alive the next few years. All tension of her dying in two days is now gone. Even two years. She is now untouchable as far as the story is concerned.
>>I immediately had the sense
I don't tend to like this in general, so take it with a grain of salt... but it seems really overdone here. In this paragraph and the ones following it seems like it happens a dozen times, "I don't know how I knew, I instinctively had the sense, yada yada". As I say, I don't like that technique at all, but it seems really overdone here.
>> brushing against my breast
For modern American English I think 'chest' would work better here.